Marriage Bumps
By Kevin and Amy Colón

Cool River was supposed to be a church plant in South Florida, but God had something else in mind. After a year of preparation and fundraising, the plan was turned upside down. It’s funny, how God does that, isn’t it? 

All Amy and I knew was there was a lack of peace, so we opened up the search for a location again. Our search led us to Colorado. How do you go from Florida to Colorado? Good question … we’re not sure, either. But during a late night talk before bed, we suddenly asked ourselves “What about Colorado?” We then came to a decision … road trip!

So we were off to Colorado, searching, praying, wondering, and praying some more. We ended up in a little town of 15,000 people—Superior, Colorado, located just a couple of miles southeast of Boulder. Nice town, very much the suburbs—a family place. Amy and I liked what we saw initially, and then we started looking for churches. And we found exactly—none! That’s right … no churches. And not just any Christian churches. In Superior there were no churches of any religion. All of a sudden, from out of nowhere, there came what’s come to be known as a “holy discontent”—a feeling that the situation in Superior was not right and something had to be done about it. Almost immediately, the peace that had left us in Florida came back. It was like God was tapping us on the shoulder and then pointing us to this town. Amy and I just looked at each other like, “Is this really happening?” It was.

That was February of 2002. We moved to Colorado in June of 2002. We didn’t know a soul. We started grilling burgers for our neighbors at the pool of our apartment complex. We started loving and serving our city. We started making connections. We started developing friends. We engaged in meaningful conversations. We prayed a lot. And little by little a small group was birthed that birthed a church that has birthed the greatest adventure of our lives.

God has been so faithful to us. He has helped us build a great reputation in our town. He has blessed us with awesome people that love Him and love people, and we’ve seen many of those come to know Him. The peace that He gave us the first day we were here is still with us. However, there have definitely been bumps along the way.

• Moving was a bump. How would we fit in? Would we actually like it here?
• Money was a bump. How in the world would we make it in this town?
• Parents were a bump. They really didn’t want to see us go so far away.
• Evangelism is a bump. Would people in a place where 90+% are not Christian listen to us?
• Finding a meeting place was a bump. Where could we meet? Could we afford it?
• People can be a bump. Nice people are great. Mean people … well, you know.

You get the picture, right? In church planting it can get a little bumpy. It can get a lot bumpy.

One area where there could be some major bumps is in your marriage and family. Let me allow my wife, Amy, to let you in on some of the specifics about one of the greatest challenges when you’re starting a church—keeping your family a family. Take it away, Amy!

You know, Kevin is right. We have experienced our share of bumps and bruises. God never promised us ease. And it hasn’t been easy. Luckily, though, every bump has brought us closer to the Father.

When Kevin and I moved our family to Colorado, I was a young mom. My oldest, Emma, was two. Claire was six months and only months later we discovered Olivia, our third little ball of fire, was on the way. Though I was completely on board and “called” just as Kevin was to church planting, I found myself fully in “mommy” mode. So for me, the early years of Cool River are quite a blur. I was constantly moving, going, and multitasking. Yet somehow in the middle of all the movement, God quickly began impressing on my heart this deep desire to make sure that no matter what else happened, our family must remain healthy and intact in the middle of it all. That was going to be my main responsibility to the church and to our family.

So from the very start, Kevin and I began setting really strong boundaries and priorities for our family. We somehow sensed that we must be bold and intentional from the starting gates. And I am so grateful we have maintained the boundaries for all of these years. Of course, life has changed since those early days of core group and diapers. Cool River has grown. Our kids have grown. Kevin and I have grown. Tensions are different, but priorities have remained.

That’s what I want to share with you in the next few pages . . . the tensions we have felt as a church planting family and what we have personally done to combat them as they attacked. Have we always handled family life with grace and style? Will all of our techniques work for you and your family situation? No way! But it is my hope that our story will at least prompt you to think about the church planting family in a new light. Maybe it will give you the “license” you need to make bold decisions that will protect your family and keep it strong as you begin your own church planting journey.

MarriageTime 

Both Kevin and I are huge advocates for the regular date night. Those two regularly scheduled hours on Tuesday nights have saved our marriage more times than I would like to admit. If you were to strip away all of our other little tips and techniques, I fully believe that our marriage and family would still be healthy as long as date night was in place. That is why I am starting here.

Even as newlyweds, Kevin and I somehow knew the importance of spending quality time together. Back then there was plenty of quantity time. We were without kids, far away from family, doing school and church together. And along the way God just happened to place some great couples in our paths who modeled spending quality time together. These were couples farther down the road than us. They had kids and big jobs, and they were involved in ministries and spent their Saturdays at soccer games. But in conversations we would always hear them talk about date night and what they did or planned to do next week. It was all so intriguing. My parents never did this. But something about the idea stuck. When faced with a more rigorous schedule of kids and church planting, Kevin and I immediately knew this had to become our number one priority.

Six years into it, date night has become one of the very best decisions we have ever made for our family. There really has never been a single week that we could afford to pay a babysitter and go out on the town. But I can confidently say that there has also never been a week that we could afford NOT to do it either. For Kevin and I, date night has become a non-negotiable part of how we do life. The benefits so outweigh the amount of money we have had to fork out to make it happen.

Briefly, here are a few tips that have worked for us on date night. 

• Focus on building marriage, family talk, and dreaming about the future.
• Vary your date night activities … it may be a fancy dinner, a cup of coffee or a long walk.
• Turn off the phone and get rid of other unwanted distractions.
• Be intentional with questions that help identify spiritual, physical, and emotional issues.
• Deal with any unresolved issues as soon as possible.
• Use date night to model to children and others the importance of your marriage as a priority in your lives.

So that’s it! Number one on the top of the church planting family priorities . . . date night! Try it! Create your own twist on the idea. If you don’t have a babysitter that you can count on, try planning one night a week that you put the kids to bed early and sit together uninterrupted on the sofa for an hour. But make sure you put it on the calendar, and don’t let anything get in the way.

Family Time

There is a fine line to walk when planting a church and managing a family. For us, the two worlds often seem to collide and merge together. Sometimes it is hard to find the separation between the two. A church planting family is who we are, and that involves being a part of the lives of other people and having those people in our home and lives all of the time. We embrace jumping into that world and we bring our kids along for the ride. But sometimes it seems as if there is no black and white distinction between the Colón family and Cool River Church. That’s okay. We love what we do and where God has placed us. But some days the grayness of it all needs to be broken through. The home office needs to be closed down and we just need to escape for a while.

As the mom and the watchman of all things family, Kevin considers me the barometer of how we are doing as a family. He expects me to keep things in check, making sure that I am always measuring how healthy we and our kids are. When we are “out of balance” he allows me to let him know. 

Now this doesn’t give me the license to be picky and nagging all of the time. I have to find my own balance in the expectations I have, as well. But this does give me the freedom to break into the church life schedule and plan for family time when we are feeling dry and overextended.

Here are a few things that our family does to ensure we remain healthy and together in the middle of church planting.

• Protect our family time by scheduling family fun nights.
• Plan at least two family getaways a year.
• Turn off the phone and television during dinner.
• Spend quality time with our children every day and individually regularly.
• Rotate who puts the kids to bed each night.
• Attend children’s extra-curricular events (soccer, dance, piano recitals, and so forth).

Here’s the bottom line: we believe that there is no reason for the family to suffer in the middle of starting a church. Sure, there are things that you have to compromise on. There are plenty of days when other people need to be loved on and taken care of. Tensions break all the time. Church planting is fantastic and it is messy. It has the potential to become all consuming if you let it. The pace is often exhausting, and sometimes we all just wish “Calgon” would “take us away” for a day. But we believe the key to balancing family and church planting is summed up in two words: intentionality and scheduling. On some days this seems a bit too rigid. We know. It takes a fair amount of effort on everyone’s part. But it is doable—and it is so worth it. In the middle of living a healthy family balance, you will be amazed at the volumes it speaks to the very ones you are in this ministry for. Just as date night and balance were modeled for us early on in our journey, we are continually amazed at the people all around us imitating our actions. People left and right come up to us and tell of their new date night routines and how much fun they are having. People in the community see us spending time together and setting priorities, and they see its value.  

So we encourage you, as your journey begins, to take time now to make some of the best decisions for your family that you could ever make. Figure out what works for you in your own personal situation. Put some marriage and family on the calendar, and don’t let anything else get in the way of those appointments. We wish you and your family a tremendous journey!

Kevin and Amy Colón ~ Kevin and Amy live in Superior, Colorado, where they are planting Cool River Church.